Letters

1) i wrote you a poem. or two. or something. i don't really know if you'll want them. you never liked poetry much, only mine. i always wonder how much you think about me. i'd like to imagine that you still do.. though i'm sure your life would be easier if you didn't have to. you know i'm sorry.. so sorry.. that's always the first feeling i get when i think of you. we were cursed from the start. and now, well what about now? it's not even really a fair question. you have a 'now' but i don't. you're just.. what i'm trying to say is.. i said always and i meant it. i still mean it. it's just that sometimes love isn't quite enough.

2) the songs didn't used to mean you, but all the sudden.. i don't think you will ever realize how much i've counted on you and how much you've let me down. inject and fuck yourself to jupiter and back and you know that i'll still believe whatever the hell you say when you come home. youknow that iknow that youknow and weknow that  n o t h i n g  i ever say could ever stop you. i love you more than all of them combined and you know that too, you just like to pretend you don't care about that some days. you think i don't get it. but really, i'm the only person who comes close.

3) i can't help  but wonder what you must think of me. mostly i just try not to think about it. you're such a good person and i just hope you're in a good place right now, without me.. you're the only person who i haven't said "i love you too" to. it's not because i don't, i just don't want to hurt another great person who deserves better than me. since you won't read this, i might as well tell you that i love you too. even though we didn't know each other that well when i had to leave. you're such a sweet person with such a big heart. maybe someday i'll get that hug you promised me.

4) maybe you had solid reasons to leave me behind. maybe that's why.. i mean, that would make sense. you knew. i don't wonder what you think, i could hear it in your voice, on the phone. for what it's worth, i love you and i'm so sorry. i hope someday you can see past all this and maybe we could be friends again.

5) i've been having crazy dreams, like the ones i used to tell you about. only in these ones, you're almost always there, talking to me, telling me that you don't hate me. i wake up happy after that, just until i realize that you might hate me. i'm not even the paranoid one! you know how i get, though. uhm, so. i'm sorry and i love you and.. i love you and i'm so so sorry. i won't blame you if you don't want to be friends after this. i couldn't. i hate myself more for what i did to you than for anything else. it makes me feel sick. i've alwaysalways cared the most about you. i think you know that and it scares you. to be honest it scares me a little bit too. everything is going to be okay, i just don't know if we will ever be.

6) you're everywhere. i miss your messy hair and your crazy outfits and your annoyed laugh and your backwards smiley face. i know i used to tell you i hated it but i use it all the time now. i miss walking and watching movies and eating cake and i miss fighting with you about nothing. i miss how when i really needed you, you were always there. it's my fault that you can't be and i know that hurts you. i love you and i miss you more than i can even tell you.

7) i'll never know the exact moment i started loving you. it was just one of those things. it just felt like you were always right where i needed you to be. your hugs always made me feel safe. i had no idea that those little things so long ago meant something to you. even though this will never work i know you know that i won't forget.

8) your friendship, especially over these past few years has really meant a lot to me. you're turning into such a beautiful person, and i'm just so sorry that i can't be right there next to you. you're not the type to get all gooey, so i'll try to keep this guarded. you're a true original who doesn't change for other people and i will always admire that about you. i hope you're doing alright.

9) you know what the worst part is? i don't know how you write for anymore. sometimes i can convince myself that i still know you well enough to figure it out, but then, when i'm still awake at three in the morning with your name stuck between my eyes, i can't help but third&fourth guess myself. i hate how you still manage to confuse me almost as much as i hate the fact that i still love you. i just.. i couldn't love the person i was when i was with you. it's just that i have to keep trying so hard to stop myself from being her, ever again. maybe this is just the one thing about me that you won't be able to understand.  

10) it really wouldn't be fair to be mad at you, even though i guess i could be. i feel abandoned. you really have no right to be judging me. that part of this is not fair. if the situation were reversed i would have at the very least called and talked to you instead of just jumping ship. i didn't have the benefit of the doubt from you, and that hurts, a lot. i've had a lot of time to get over the initial anger.. and i can only hope that you'll try and see my side of things. people make mistakes. horrible stupid mistakes. but then, they're still alive. i miss you.

11) towards the end you cared more than i deserved, you really did. i hope you'll be there like you said. i really need you. i need you to teach me how to guard my heart. and i'm so sorry about what happened to your family. i wish i could be there for you right now.

12) i didn't expect you to cry, to be honest. and as strange as it may sound, those tears meant more to me than i could tell you. i swear i'll make them up to you. ever since i was little i've wanted to be more like you. you're one of the beautiful people. i know you don't think so, but that just makes you even more worth admiring.